Your loss is a great achievement
I don't know what is to be without pain...
I don't remember how is to wake up relaxed... Without pain.
And yet, I want to go back to that place I simply don't remember.
But I am not here to talk about pain. I am here to talk about how we cling to the past and want to have back experiences, relationships, people or material things that we have lost or are long gone. Thinking that it was better then, than it is now, even if we don’t remember.
I want to talk about loss and endings and I am going to offer you an alternative to the whole deal which will help you to process it in a more loving way.
What does the word loss or end conjure up in you?
For many, the first thought would be death, the loss of a beloved one. However, this is not the only type of loss or end, though the one that tends to be so widely discussed.
So, what comes to your mind if you think about loss and endings (other than death)?
For some might be a break-up, the end of a relationship. For many might be unemployment. The loss of a job. For others might be bankruptcy. The loss of money. For some might dis-ease. The loss of your health. For others might be apocalypse, the end of the world.
And perhaps by thinking on these words you might feel a bit uncomfortable or down or resistant to these topics. If a memory of your own came up just now, you might even feel a bit of sadness and longing and maybe a slight desire for things to be as they were before this loss or this end.
Your beloved one to still be here, for your relationship still to work, for your job still existing, for your finances being strong, for your body to be healthy.
It's just a tough topic, isn't it?
Mostly because deep down, we may just want to go back and we know we can't. And this fundamental truth is what makes it harder: we cannot go back.
I know I know, there are people who already know that not all is doom and gloom. But many of us do struggle, and this message is for those who are not yet able to see that silver lining in a loss or in an ending.
The desire of wanting the things as they were before only tell us that we have either not accepted, not grieved or not let go. And these concepts too, sound just too scary or painful or sensitive to even bring them up.
What if I tell you that there is a way of dealing with all this that does not leave you emotionally drained and that can free you from all the heavy feelings?
What if I tell you that you can actually bring light and joy to these topics?
You might either not believe it or instead wonder: TELL ME HOW?
Imagine you just finished running a marathon. Let's say, your first marathon ever. The race is over. You crossed the finishing line. It has ended.
Would you stop and think: hey, I feel terrible now, I'm super tired, I want to go back to the starting point now and never run it.
Of course not! Even if you think you will never do it AGAIN, in that moment I can assure you, you'll feel super proud and happy that you have done it. It's a great achievement, you did it! You actually completed your first marathon.
So, why not to see that loss or that ending as something that has been completed?
Wow, you might say… so "easy", you might think… and yes, it is.
"Life is simple. It is us who make it amusingly complicated".
Think about it, when you talk about loss or end you feel that you are missing something, something was taken from you, is not fair, that you are indeed incomplete.
But if you think of the experience as completed, then it gives you a sense of achievement, of fulfillment and maybe even a bit of peace and acceptance.
Loss denotes failure, completion success.
But wait, there is a catch... Grieving.
Give yourself permission to grieve. Let those emotions come up. Grieving is still part of every experience you will ever complete.
Thinking of the loss or end as completed will make this grieving easier.
Yes, the tears will be there, the overwhelming moments will be there, seeing your experience as complete is not a "trick" for evading the roller coaster we call grief. Is not trying to cover up, skip it or avoid it.
But you will be more hopeful and trustful on going through it, because you'll know that after it, you will have indeed fully completed your experience. You can now move on!
When your experience is completed, the grieving you go through becomes easier because you understand that is a step necessary to really accept and therefore be open and free for more to come. Then, you are ready for something new.
In other words, seeing your experience as completed opens you the possibility of seeing at the end of your grief that there is something new and different awaiting for you.
Is giving you the space and time to feel and own your emotions, whatever these are, so that you can really let go and come out through it free, knowing and truly believing that you have completed and achieved something.
When you give yourself that belief - that after completing a cycle (say a relationship, a career, a lifestyle) you will come up wiser, stronger and mostly free and inspired - then you'll be looking forward to give yourself the time and space to grieve and to feel your feelings.
You'll be then able to enjoy your next relationship, your next job, your next adventure with an open heart and no longing for the past. No comparisons. No hurt. No baggage. All is completed and done. You are now free to enjoy what's next. Truly free.
It simply motivates you to look forward rather than looking back.
I know this because I have done it.
I was made redundant for the very first time in my life in January after a 14-year career in IT. And when I chose to think of it as "I have completed my IT career" it meant that I have been successful and I am now complete. I am ready for the next thing to come because this one is completed.
Yes I was very sad, I cried, I felt rejected, I got angry, it was unfair, yes, I grieved and maybe I am still grieving, but it was much easier to let go and accept it as completed rather than victimizing myself for the loss of my job.
I also know that there are experiences that might be too painful and difficult to see them as completed. Believe me, I know, because as we speak, I am passing through that.
I don't know how it is to be without physical pain. And even though I have handled it very well and done a lot to ease my days, I just realized that my body, without pain, is gone.
My body as I knew it is gone. Long gone. And I have the choice to feel sorry about myself. Or to call it a phase in my life that has been completed.
And you know what? I am choosing the later, because being a victim and wanting to go back has taking me nowhere.
Now I can finally give myself the liberating and cleansing time of grieving. And I know I then can move onto the next.
Of course I am scared of thinking that the next 70 years will be in pain. But I don't even know that for sure. Which is very different from longing to go back to the time of no pain, which I don't remember.
I refuse to throw a pity party.
I release the need to spend the rest of my life looking back and longing for what was.
I choose to look forward to what can be.
I let go the need of thinking what I have lost and what am I missing and how was it before.
Instead, I choose to think and believe what else am I adding to my life with this condition, what else will I learn about myself and what else will this allow me to contribute to the planet.
Knowing that I have completed a phase, a cycle in my life, it only inspires me and makes me wonder with excitement: what else is there, what else will come, what else can I do. WHAT ELSE… Trusting that what is coming next is new and different.
New and different is not bad, or wrong or sad. Is a possibility.
We all have a choice on how to see our experiences: as lost or as completed. What is going to be?
I encourage you to see them as completed. Complete your experience, grieve, really take the time to grieve, take a leap of faith and be open for the new to come.
I have done it, I am doing it and I know and trust that is possible.
Yes, you can heal your life!
Karla K. Peronio is a public speaker and certified “Heal Your Life” licensed teacher and EFT certified Practitioner with international experience on delivering workshops and seminars since 2012 in well-being and personal development area. She is the only teacher in Finland and one of the few in Europe who has learned from Louise Hay at her last exclusive retreat. With a diploma on Positive Psychology and training on "TED talk speaking", she has had life experiences that helped her understand how she was the main contributor to her own Life. Diagnosed with an autoimmune dis-ease, she chose the most effective way of healing, the healing from “within”, and took this experience as a journey of learning and self-discovery. Check her testimonials and recommendations.